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Why I'm Still Here
It was 1953 and I was 12 years old. I believed Jesus and God were real, but I sure didn't think that He Loved me. I figured He was as upset and displeased with me as were my parents, teachers and church youth leaders. I had been kicked out of the church's youth group because my clowning was so disruptive. I was spanked by the principal and my dad at least once a month. I was suspended or expelled from school almost every semester. I was actively considering a suicidal life style or suicide itselfbecause I didn't care to live in a world that only had selfish and conditional "love". I didn't believe that any human really LOVED any other human. I didn't believe there was any real Love in the world, and I didn't care to continue living in such a world. My mother was going to counselors to try to figure out why I was so messed up and what shecould do about it. She was so broken and damaged herself that she couldn't have helped me. She couldn't pass on to me her tenacity withlife, to press on even while feeling so much pain and so unloved. Mydad was unfaithful and physically abusive and a hater, a supporter of Hitler and the KKK in San Diego.In desperation she forced me to go to a Christian weekend camp my church was sponsoring. I didn't want to go and was planning my suicide or suicidal life style (joining the drug and motorcycle gangs in my neighborhood) on the bus ride to camp. When I got there, and even on the way, I noticed that those people were really weird. They were really happy and really seemed to like each other. Their friendships were warmand their smiles were genuine. I like what I saw and decided I wanted to get in on that action. I decided I would watch them and learn how to act like them, and then maybe they would accept me into their circle of warmand caring friendship.They just didn't quit loving on each other. There we were on Mt. Palomar on a cold September night, and even at bunk time these guys were happy,genuinely friendly to each other, genuinely caring and kind to each other.That made me want what they had even more. What totally blew me away was that very early Saturday morning, that very cold Saturday morning there on the mount, those guys were in the cabin and in the john laughing,smiling, caring about each other, genuinely friendly, kind and warm toeach other. They were really glad to see each other and to be together,and there wasn't one effeminate or homosexual type in their midst. I had never seen that before, AND I WANTED IT REAL BADLY.So I set out to really study them, learn how to act and talk like them,and I felt like I was beginning to get it down good enough to pass.After lunch we went on a hike up the mountain side and I was withthe group but out on the edges because I was still watching and trying to learn so I could pass and be accepted into all this warmth, friendship and caring. Then it happened-------------I was following on the edge of the crowd and intently watching and listening to them, studying them, and I tripped over a manzania rootthat had been exposed by soil erosion. I was really surprised and almostfell down. I meant to say "shoot" but it came out "sheet", and living in San Diego I knew that would be taken as a Mexican "shit". I said it way too loud and way too many people there heard me say it. I knew thatthose kind of Jesus people would never say such a word so immediatelyI knew I had blown my cover. They knew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They knew I wasn't one of them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My one big chance in my entire life to know Loveand Friendship and Caring and I had blown it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I went ballistic on that manzania bush and began to kick and beat it loudly declaring "Doggone it! What the heck is wrong with me???????Why am I so messed up????? Why can't I do anything right??????Dang it!!!!! I am so messed up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What's wrong with me????????"Then it happened. As if quietly the curtains of Heaven opened up for thiscrazy big kid attacking himself and a poor manzania bush, a small woman I had never seen before or since gently approached me and said"Would you like to know why you act like you do?" One last flickeringray of light on my darkness. She saved the bush and I told her that I sure did want to know what was wrong with me, why I couldn't do right, whyI was so messed up. Gently, speaking ever so gently and softly she invited me to sit with her on a large boulder on the side of the mountain, and sheproceeded to answer my questions and lead me from darkness to Light.She didn't have to persuade me God and Jesus were real. She saw howlove starved and unhappy I was. She cut to the quick and began to show me how I could know that God Loved ME so much that He sent His only Son born of woman to die for ME and pay the penalty of MY sins so that I could live with Him and Father forever. I couldn't believe that He could Love me, so finally she led me to Calvary to behold Him there dying for ME. The proof that persuaded me that God not only could but actually did Love me was that Christ died for me. I could argue with most other points, but I couldn't deny that Jesus died. Even unbelievers believed Jesus lived and died. To me that was a historical fact that few disputed. So when I saw that I had solid historical evidence that Jesus died, I was ready to seriously consider that just maybe He Loved me enough to really die for me. I respected and believed the Bible, so when she showed me book after book, chapter after chapter, verse after verse that plainly stated that the reason Jesus died (that solid historical fact), was because God so Loved me and the world and because He wanted to Love me as Father, as Shepherd, as King, as Deliverer in a very intimate and personal relationship, - - - - my eyes began to see, my mind to understand my heart wanted that Love. When she showed me why He let them kill Him, that it was His choice, that He died to take my place in the court of Divine Justice------- well she had me. I couldn't deny that he died, and she persuaded that God so Loved me that He sent His only begotten Son to die in my place so that I could be His child ------- Eureka! Yahoo! I had discovered the Love I was looking for, a Love that I could live for, a Love to give my life to and for. I already had believed that He rose from the dead and was coming back, but now I could have a Father-son relationship with the GOD who was Love. I believed her, accepted Him and got all excited. I told her that I had to check all of this out with the youth sponsor, Chuck Hill, to make sure that all that she told me was right on. After Chuck confirmed everything the woman had told me, I thanked him and went up the other hill side to pray my prayer of thanks, believing, receiving and trusting Jesus as my God, my King and Saviour. I was such a babe I didn't realize that I had been born again as soon as I talked to Chuck, because I believed Jesus and had faith in Jesus alone to bring me into right relationship with God, as soon a Chuck confirmed it all. I believed, received Him and was born again even before I made my big formal acceptance prayer. Talk about a radical life change in a few weeks! Within a month that 8th grade year (Oct. or Nov.), my grades rose from D+ to an average of "B". Instead of being the expelled disrupter of my youth group, I became a leader in my church youth group, my school's Bible club (the girls had a hard time believing I had changed). Instead of letting my twisted and dysfunctional family pull me down with them, I determined to do what I could do for my messed up family, especially my mom and dad.I would like to share with you the many miracles that Jesus has done in my life to save my life time after time, but only if you want me to do so.


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